As hard as I try, my imagination will not take me past my 8th month of pregnancy. I literally can not imagine being twice my size, with swollen ankles, anxiously awaiting my water breaking. Similar to when I was "without child" -- the days leading up to my period were anxious ones, where the mere thought of my cramps were enough to make me start popping ibuprofen up to 3 days before it even came. Before you think I am a drug addict, let me assure you that I truly did have the worse cramps on this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
So when I think of labor, I truly cant wrap my mind around it. How in the Barack Hussein Obama does a vagina open wide enough to fit a d*mn head? It just doesn't seem real to me. Vagina opens. Body comes out. Who in the (bleep) thought this was a good idea? (Sorry Father)
So I tried to prep myself by watching live births on birthcenter.com. HORRIBLE IDEA! Before seeing the videos the baby = vagina phenomenon was something that plagued my imagination but now I have had a visual confirmation that it actually does happen! Whoa is me.. Whoa is me! And though these birthing films scare the beJesus out of me, like a horror movie with sequels, every day I search the web looking for more! I've seen natural births, water births, c-sections, drug-induced births, silent (Scientology) births...you name it, it's on the web. None of them seem like a fun experience.
Moreover, I don't know who is crazier -- women who want to bring their children into the world non-drugged or me. The truth is...delivering somber has never even crossed my mind. Not only will I draw a red "x" on my spine so the anesthesiologist will know where my spine is but I may have my sister Karlisa slip my some wine into the hospital and may smoke a joint before I push this baby out. Little Teddy G will come into this world very aware of effects of drugs and liquor and I am sure that he will be a better person for it.
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