How do you say, "Hello, I'm knocked up!"

The Preggo Woman's Bible, "What To Expect When You're Expecting" recommends not telling anyone outside of your husband and a few family members that you are pregnant until after you have reached your second trimester. Initially this seemed doable but after two days of keeping the news to ourselves, I started to feel extremely guilty keeping such a HUGE event from my family and closest friends.

So one by one we began to make the calls...

First, we confirmed the pregnancy to my sister whose first words were "I'm going to start praying for this child now."

Next, we told my mother who I made promise not to tell anyone in her Red Hat Retirement Club, Prayer Circle, or even my daddy until I was ready.

Then came my brother...who asked was it a reptilian or hermaphrodite that was growing inside of me.

We finally told my father...who pretended to pass out when I told him. When he woke up he started to write down potential birth dates for him to play in the lottery.

After that came my mother in-law...who told me not to worry about anything but to give the baby to God and trust that God would take care of the rest.

Next came my father in-law...who said he'd been dreaming of fishing recently so he wasn't surprised.

And finally we told my sisters in-law...who prepped Pat on the weight gain and mood swings that were sure to come.

When it came to telling friends I proceeded with a bit more caution. I decided that I'd only call friends who been there to pray with me and for me because Lord knows that I didn't know where to begin to figure out how to become a mother.

How I broke the news...Babies, Baileys, and a Butteryfly Balloon...

...I stared at the plus sign in disbelief. Immediately I was grateful that I had bought the Econo-pack and had an extra pregnancy test waiting for me in the bedroom. As I wobbled my way out of my bathroom down the hall into the bedroom I didn't even bother pulling up my pants. Once I got the the other test, I ripped it open with my teeth and ran back down the hall with Capone, my cocker spaniel, chasing after me in excitement.

Nerves must have loosened up my bladder because I had NO problem peeing for a second time.

...Two LONG minutes later...

When I saw the second plus sign I dramatically yelled, "Oh noooooo!!" but quickly laughed to myself cause I wasn't quite as shocked as my initial reaction would have led an onlooker to believe. Granted, my husband and I had had the "HYPOTHETICAL BABY" conversation and we had decided that we were kinda ready to have a child but I think we were both assuming that we had another 4-6 months before we successfully conceived. We obviously had no idea how fertile we were.

I was in a state of semi-shock and denial when I began to think, "how in the world am I going to tell my husband when we are trying to save for a house, save for a trip, save for retirement, and save for new summer clothes that we are REALLY about to have a kid?" My mind quickly started to panic but I knew I had to figure out how to break the news fast..

I only had 2 hours before I had to be at a meeting for work so I knew I had to plan fast and make a checklist pronto.

I can't tell Pat until he comes home from work. But I know he will be hungry. So Salmon Pinwheels, Spinach, and Rice - Check.

When Pat is sad/anxious/happy/bewildered he likes cherry pie before he goes to bed. So CHERRY PIE - check.

Pat will be in shock. So BOTTLE OF BAILEY'S - check.

I quickly went to the grocery store and picked up all the items that I thought I would need to break the news to Pat without sending him into a panic attack. As I was leaving out, I saw a huge butterfly balloon that said "New Beginnings" and I got it because it was equal parts corny and funny and I figured that the balloon would do all the talking for me.

Once I got home, I quickly cooked the salmon and spinach and chilled the bailey's and cherry pie before heading out to my meeting.

A few hours later, when I walked back into the house, Patrick was in the bathroom shaving his head.

"Hey babe. What did the doctor say? You're pregnant?"

"Yes...and I bought you a balloon. Did you see it?

"What? Balloon? What? You lying."

"No, I'm not. I'm pregnant Jack. I got you a card."

"You're pregnant?

"Yep."

"Oh no!!!" Pat said.

"That's what I said!" I replied as I started to laugh.

We walked into the front and sat on the couch and he said "our little babies...we are gonna have one sitting right here and one sitting right there."

"How in the kelly clarkson did this turn into two babies?!," I exclaimed loudly.

But he never responded. Instead, we just sat together on the couch...shocked, amazed, and petrified for the rest of the night because we both knew that from this day forth there would always be a third person in the room with us.