A is for "Always Ask for a Pregancy Test"

By the time I went to see the doctor, I had been congested for 4 months. Imagine four months of breathing out your mouth 100% of the time and the thought alone may make you nauseous. When people fart around you, you have to swallow their gas...When the air smells like sewage...you have to swallow the smell of people's sh*t. So let's just say, by the time I bit the bullet and went to the doctor I was one miserable puppy who was willing to donate my body to science if that meant that they'd cure whatever was keeping me from breathing.  I had tried benadryl, sudafed, claritin, zyrtec, a humidifier, a purifier, a neti-pot, and trying to rebuke the "demon of congestion" with a bible and holy water but nothing worked. So after much resistance, I found myself in Northwestern's Urgent Care Department waiting to be seen.

Now before going to the doctor, my period was late, but only 2 days late so give me a break. However, since my period came every 29 days at exactly 6:00 o'clock in the morning for the past 18 years, I should have recognized that a late period was my first legitimate sign. Nevertheless, after the doctors completed my examination and told me to go home I thought I was all clear.

"Well, what did they say? Are you dying or are you pregnant?," my older sister asked.

"I don't think either. They just gave me a nasal steroid spray and told me to come back in a month."

"Well, did you take a blood test or a pregnancy test?," my sister insistently asked.

"Uhm...neither. But I figure they would have heard something wouldn't they??"

"What the H*ll do you think they would've heard Kirstin? Mommy, I'm in here?! Goodness...you can be such a ditz. Go take a test before you use that steroid fool. PLEASE."

So here I am at Walgreens, nervously looking for a pregnancy test like I am 18 years old. Should I get the electronic indicator or the plus/minus indicator? Should I spend the extra money to get the one that could tell you 5 days in advance or the one where two pee sticks came in one box? I suddenly felt too overwhelmed to make any decision.

After picking the "buy one get one free" deal, I realized that I had to call for help because all of the pregnancy tests were behind a glass casing. I went to find the closest call button at the end of the aisle but wasn't prepared for the mortification that was to come next...

"ASSISTANCE NEEDED IN WOMEN'S CONTRACEPTION AND FERTILITY. ASSISTANCE NEEDED IN WOMEN'S CONTRACEPTION AND FERTILITY,." blared over the store's loud speakers. Embarrassed I tried to pretend that I was looking at the selection of Nutrifast until I saw someone coming from around the corner.

Finally, a little short man peeked around the corner, quickly assisted me with kindness and discretion and sent me on my way.

I drove 6 city blocks like a mad rapper running from the police.

Suddenly it was just me and my white porcelain Goddess, who was there to deal me my fate.

As I sat on the toilet I held my pee just long enough to say "God, let your will be done, BUT, since I hate my job, if you could be a fence of contraceptive protection around my uterus just one more time I would greatly appreciate it."

And with a release of my own will and a release of my urine, I held my breath and stepped forth into the unknown...