The Earliest Signs of Pregnancy Suck...

When most women find out that they are pregnant it's nothing like what you see in movies. By the time you see that plus sign, you've been sleeping all day, your breasts feel like 10 pound water bottles and it's a good chance that you've been throwing up all your favorite meals for at least a week.

For me, most of my first trimester was a blur. I was hungry all day every day. I was nauseous all day every day. And the only thing I wanted to eat was food with tomato sauce and plenty of salt. I was sleep by the time "Wheel of Fortune" came on. And sex -- the real culprit in the whole fiasco - was of little interest to me. 

While I am grateful to say that I am one of the lucky few to not have morning sickness, that unfortunately didn't keep me from feeling like I wanted to throw up everything I ate. Previous foods that I once loved like tilapia, shrimp, lobster, and crab repulsed me and after my first month I took refuge in the one food that was sure to settle my stomach - a chocolate fudge sundae from McDonald's.

Other changes soon affected my body and nothing in my natural life could have prepared me for how fast and how big my breasts became in a matter of two months.  I know most women would joyfully embrace this increased voluptuousness around the bustline but not me!  I already had bigger breasts than most people's  grandmothers and I was in no need of any additional busty blessings from God.

My breasts are so big that they can no longer be called breasts -- they are simply "Watermelons." When I walk down the street and hear people whisper, "Dag, that woman shole' do' have some big ole' titties" I can't be mad cause it's true.   Even family and associates greet me with the same congratulatory line, "Girl, I knew it was something cause those titties shole' are big!"

While the size of my breasts and growing waistline (due to the chocolate fudge sundaes not the baby) have began to get me down, I have briefly wondered ways that I could make money off of them. I hate my job and have began contemplating if I could start selling wholesale breast milk to Haitian orphans or perhaps I could pose as a "orthopedic bra model"??  Considering that my breasts are becoming the "Eight and Ninth Wonders of the Natural World," it seems only fair that they should begin to make me some money!