As hard as I try, my imagination will not take me past my 8th month of pregnancy. I literally can not imagine being twice my size, with swollen ankles, anxiously awaiting my water breaking. Similar to when I was "without child" -- the days leading up to my period were anxious ones, where the mere thought of my cramps were enough to make me start popping ibuprofen up to 3 days before it even came. Before you think I am a drug addict, let me assure you that I truly did have the worse cramps on this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
So when I think of labor, I truly cant wrap my mind around it. How in the Barack Hussein Obama does a vagina open wide enough to fit a d*mn head? It just doesn't seem real to me. Vagina opens. Body comes out. Who in the (bleep) thought this was a good idea? (Sorry Father)
So I tried to prep myself by watching live births on birthcenter.com. HORRIBLE IDEA! Before seeing the videos the baby = vagina phenomenon was something that plagued my imagination but now I have had a visual confirmation that it actually does happen! Whoa is me.. Whoa is me! And though these birthing films scare the beJesus out of me, like a horror movie with sequels, every day I search the web looking for more! I've seen natural births, water births, c-sections, drug-induced births, silent (Scientology) births...you name it, it's on the web. None of them seem like a fun experience.
Moreover, I don't know who is crazier -- women who want to bring their children into the world non-drugged or me. The truth is...delivering somber has never even crossed my mind. Not only will I draw a red "x" on my spine so the anesthesiologist will know where my spine is but I may have my sister Karlisa slip my some wine into the hospital and may smoke a joint before I push this baby out. Little Teddy G will come into this world very aware of effects of drugs and liquor and I am sure that he will be a better person for it.
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LS, you really had me laughing out loud wit this one! I used to have the very same thoughts before I had Kendall. I found myself praying for a C-section so I did not have to try to push her out. I couldn't handle the huge responsibility of the whole "pushing" concept. The Lord does answer prayers. I had a C-section, and it was a wonderful experience. And my (va-jay-jay as you call it) was able to stay in tact. Whatever the Lord has in store for you, you (and your body) will be able to handle it. Women have done this since the beginning of time. I hear it's not too bad....it just wasn't for me...lol!
ReplyDeleteYou are too funny.
ReplyDeleteGET YOU AN EPIDURAL! I couldn't wait for mine (but you have to wait one IV bag before you get it). I didn't even care how big the needle was. And I didn't feel a THING. Which made it hard to push, but he eventually came out. Sometimes I wish I could get an epidural just cause... that ish is good. I'm surprised they haven't started sellin it on the street, LOL!
ReplyDeleteOnce again you had me cracking up Kirty bird!! I love you and this blog!!
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