R.I.P My "Wild African Bush"

Week 36

At this point in every woman's pregnancy, I am certain that proper consideration must be given to some of the more intimate details of your labor.

Sure you have to consider whether you are going natural or with an epidural. And you should at least rule out narcotics in the event that you begin to hyperventilate or hallucinate. Vaginal delivery or elective C-Section? All important questions to consider. But the one question that often goes ignored until the last minute is...

..."Should I go with my natural "bush" or should I go Brazilian?"

I, like so many other women (I later realized) pondered this question for weeks. After realizing that I could barely reach my pooch to wipe myself, I ruled out the option of shaving it myself to eliminate the risk of hurting "her". And the thought of waxing  "down there" so close to labor didn't sit completely well with me so I had pretty much decided to go the natural route.

So one day, when my sister asked me to accompany her to a wax place in Rogers Park I was still pretty confident that I wouldn't be partaking in the services. I figured that many slaves and women in underdeveloped countries delivered babies everyday with a fully covered vagina and that if it worked for them, then it would work just fine for me.

When we walked into "Dipsi's Wax Shop", the owner, a beautiful Indian woman named Dipsi asked my sister and I what services we were getting and I told her that I was still considering whether I would get anything but that she could see my sister first while I decided.

As I sat there waiting, I began to lean towards getting a bikini wax so that I didn't look a complete hot mess once I was on the delivery table doing to spread eagle for all of my family and doctor to see.

Five minutes later she came out of the room and asked me what I had a decided to do. I told her that I was going to get a bikini wax and she told me to go into the room where my sister was. Initially, I felt a little awkward because I didn't want to see my sister doing the spread eagle, but to my relief and surprise when I walked in there my sister was already dressed, telling me that she was completely done.

Moments later Dipsi walked back in.

"Oh, you so pregnant!! When are you due?" Dipsi asked

"I'm due October 22, so about four more weeks." I replied

"So you taking all off right?" Dipsi questioned

"Oh no, Miss Dipsi...I'm going to just get a bikini wax and if you could trim the rest that would be great."

"No...no, we don't trim here...you lay down now."

"Oh...okay...well maybe I should just get a bikini wax then...I'll trim when I get home..."

"No, I take it off now..."

(By this time half of my private part was covered with wax)

"But Miss Dipsi...I don't know if..."

RRRRRIIIIIIPPPPP!

(Breathing hard and trying to push my 20 pound stomach up off the table)...

"Wait...wait...Miss Dispi...I don't know if this is right!" I began to shout with a raised voice.

"No you lay down...we take care of this now and no need to trim."

RIIIIIIIIIIPPPPP!

(By this time I am sweating and shaking because of how painful it was and how fast she was taking off all of my hair.)

"Wait! Wait! Ms. Dipsi...I can't take it! No really. I can't take it...just wait! Please.I need a moment!"

"We almost done! Now spread your legs high and pull them close!"

By this time I was scared of her and couldn't believe that she had managed to wax me completely bald in less than 3 minutes flat.

RRRRRIIIIPPPP!

By this time, I was in a combination of shock, pain, and trauma so that last rip of hair didn't even feel so bad...

"So you see...you done. No trimming needed. Baby come and doctor can see. Okay. You happy?"

As I wiped the sweat off my forehead and neck I could only whimper out a "yes, Ms. Dipsi..thank you."

Once we got inside of the car, I told my sister that I didn't know if my vagina would physically or emotionally recover from what just happened. But I must admit, in retrospect, I am going into labor a bit more confident knowing that there isn't a jungle "down there" and that baby's first peek into this world will be obstruction-free and clear.