Oh no....there's a banana in my tailpipe!

One week after my shower, I officially made nine months (ie  36 weeks). Despite the issues that I had with fluctuating blood pressure and swelling around my feet during the hot weather - I was grateful that I made it nine months without any tremendous health issues. Even my stretch marks were minimal, just two small areas on the sides of my back, so I was feeling confident that the worse of my pregnancy was far behind me.

So one day as I was enjoying my "spa time" in the shower, lathering up with my spearmint eucalyptus bath bar, and getting ready to have a relaxing and awesome time with my warming eucalyptus scrub, you can imagine my surprise when my euphoria was interupted abruptly when I realized that I had hemorrhoids.

I usually wait to wash "down there" last so when I went to wash "back there" and felt the banana in my tailpipe, I was a bit confused at first.

Now what the heck is going on back there? I thought...

(Clearly this was my first time in life ever having this problem.)

I was in denial at first because I couldn't believe that my body would wait until I was in my last and final month to do this to me. I stood there hoping that "my situation" didn't look anything like how I always imagined hemorrhoids to look -- something like the buttocks of an orangutan or maybe a chimpanzee. There was an odd level of shame that I felt about the whole thing, perhaps since this was my first time experiencing this or maybe because I felt like it may appear like I wasn't taking care of myself the best way that I could.
...Funny, I had no idea that I had a prejudice against people with hemorrhoids until that moment.

After about 5 minutes of considering alternatives diagnosis to my "situation" - suddenly, like the pieces of a puzzle, everything started to make sense.

My revelation came slowly....

..."So my anemia led to me taking iron pills which led to the constipation which led to the pressure on my booty which led to the hemorrhoids!...

...and since I have to lift up my stomach when I pee to ensure that everything in my bladder is coming out surely the baby is putting just as much pressure on my intestines and stomach...which is also putting pressure on my butt and causing hemorrhoids!"

My remedial medical diagnosis made me feel alot better although my hemorrhoids did not. So this is a new reality for me...living with hemorrhoids that is, and I'm learning to take it one bathroom visit at a time.  If you are pregnant and suffering like me here are three tips - keep a stash of baby wipes in your bathroom and in your purse, drink plenty of water, and stay away away from the spicy foods and icecream (it's a small sacrifice in exchange for a little peace of mind "back there".)