On being alone...and vulnerable

I always prided myself on being fairly independent. Correction: I've always prided myself on being extremely independent. I've always liked my share of "me" time and often found relaxation shopping by myself, driving by myself, eating myself, and even drinking by myself after work (although my mother would say that only infers that I was a teetering alcoholic).

So the first time my husband left to travel out of town, you can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself pouting on the couch most of the day because I didn't have my BFF there to eat Chinese food with on Saturday night.

Then, when it was time to go to sleep, I found myself checking the doors three and four times to make sure that no one would come in and try to kidnap me and Capone in the middle of the night.(Yet, when I woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning on my couch I was sure that I there was a shadow of a monster sitting on my couch.)

And finally, when morning came and it was time to eat breakfast, I unconsciously found myself looking at the week's top ten plays on Sports Center because I missed my husband.

Finally, I paused during a commercial and thought, "How in the BEJESUS did this happen?" I wondered. How did I become such a freaking cupcake that didn't like being alone - after 28 years of doing just fine on my own?

What I soon realized is that in the corniest sense, I have come to think of my husband as my teammate, my partner, and the person that I look to for safety, protection, and companionship. Yet, with this understanding of why my husband's absence felt unnatural to me I also was faced with the revelation of my own discomforts with my new found vulnerabilities.

"Hot dammit," I thought...how in the world did I become so vulnerable?

The truth of the matter is that in the loneliness that exist in my house when Patrick isn't around, I've realized that this thing that's become my life doesn't flow as easily without him.

Yet I must admit that being vulnerable does not come easy to me, nor does dependency under any circumstances. And there may always be a struggle between my belief that "what God put together, let no man put asunder" and and insuring my own independence even if that means making sure that I can always stand financially on my own two feet, that I can always kill the spider above my headboard if I need to, and ensuring that the luxury and blessing that I appreciate by having a life partner never supersedes my ability to take care of myself and my child.

I don't believe that this perspective diminishes the faith that I have in my husband, because again -- I realize that this thing called "marriage" "life" and surely "parenthood" will not make sense without him by my side. However, I do think that as a wife, I only strengthen to foundation of my marriage if I work to ensure that I maintain the strength, independence, and sensibility that my husband was attracted to in the first place.