Pregnancy Survival Kit

First and foremost, despite all of my jive talking, I recognize that I have had a wonderful, blessed, and low drama pregnancy. The changes that my body have endured are likely not substantially different from 99% of women across the world who have given birth and for that I am grateful.

Yet...let the record show that out of all of the women that I have known to "cross these burning sands" into motherhood -- I'm a little ticked off that none of them have kept it real and said,

"Girrrrl -- pregnancy is beautiful but it will make your feet grow a shoe size, make your breast feel like heavy african watermelons, make you loose your a**, take away your sex drive, give you gas, give you heartburn, give you carpal tunnel syndrome, give you vaginal headaches, give you charlie horsesin the middle of the night, make you forget where you live, drive you to consider murdering people, will leave you out of breath even after just thinking about exercising, and in the toughest scenarios will give you diabetes, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, anemia, constipation, hemorroids, or an urinary tract infection."

So while I celebrate the wonder and beauty of life growing inside of me, I also want to say that carrying a child is the beginning of a life of sacrifice that you cant fathom until you go through it. And while sacrifice is certainly the name of the game for 9 months -- there are somethings that every woman can do to equip herself to get through this time with your sanity, spirit, and body in sound shape.

1.) Pregnancy massages - with all of the aches, stretching, and growing that your body will endure, you owe it to yourself to have some big, muscular, Black/White/asian/latino/eskimo man to stand over your body and rub those knots out of you. Carrying a baby plus a set of overweight twins (your breasts), and swollen feet will take a toil on your body in ways that you can't imagine -- so trust me, this is certainly a treat that you don't want to skip.

My recommendation: BLISS SPA at the W: Great Expectations Massage every three months

2.) A body pillow - if you sleep in anything larger than a twin size bed then you have the space for a body pillow. Around your 6 month of pregnancy, your growing tummy will make it difficult to get comfortable sleeping. And because you can only sleep in certain ways to preserve optimal blood flow to your baby, you will begin to have many sleep deprived nights. But with a body pillow, you will be able to support the four most problematic areas of your body(your back, in between your legs, under your stomach, and your neck) at one time without having to take all of the other pillows from your husband.

My recommendation: The Boppy Body Pillow

3.) Sports Bras - Trust me...Underwires and large breasts + fluid retention DO NOT mix.

My recommendation: Any sport bra made of breathable material...Stinky sweaty boobs are not cute!

4.) TUMS - Gas and Indigestion are REAL.

My recommendation: Chewables! They will begin to taste like candy after a while.

5.) Comfortable Shoes - With swollen and growing feet and increasing weight on your legs...a good pair of comfortable shoes are a must.

My recommendation: Shoes that will allow your growing feet to stretch and breath.

6.) A favorite meal to give you something to look forward to at work.

My suggestions: A chicken TBM melt from COSI (add the onions) or a melted Turkey and Cheese Sandwich on an Everything Bagel from Au Bon Pain (add the lettuce, onions, honey and dijon mustard). Plus salt and vinegar chips. Plus Lemonade and Peach Ice Tea (mixed). Plus chocolate chip cookies. Thanks.

7.) A mind distracting hobby - Writing, Reading, and Reality TV watching were my activities of choice during the work week.

8.) A scripture to rebuke the hormone devils that will surely push you close to homocide.

My recommedation: Romans 8: 28-39

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.