Pregnancy Survival Kit

First and foremost, despite all of my jive talking, I recognize that I have had a wonderful, blessed, and low drama pregnancy. The changes that my body have endured are likely not substantially different from 99% of women across the world who have given birth and for that I am grateful.

Yet...let the record show that out of all of the women that I have known to "cross these burning sands" into motherhood -- I'm a little ticked off that none of them have kept it real and said,

"Girrrrl -- pregnancy is beautiful but it will make your feet grow a shoe size, make your breast feel like heavy african watermelons, make you loose your a**, take away your sex drive, give you gas, give you heartburn, give you carpal tunnel syndrome, give you vaginal headaches, give you charlie horsesin the middle of the night, make you forget where you live, drive you to consider murdering people, will leave you out of breath even after just thinking about exercising, and in the toughest scenarios will give you diabetes, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, anemia, constipation, hemorroids, or an urinary tract infection."

So while I celebrate the wonder and beauty of life growing inside of me, I also want to say that carrying a child is the beginning of a life of sacrifice that you cant fathom until you go through it. And while sacrifice is certainly the name of the game for 9 months -- there are somethings that every woman can do to equip herself to get through this time with your sanity, spirit, and body in sound shape.

1.) Pregnancy massages - with all of the aches, stretching, and growing that your body will endure, you owe it to yourself to have some big, muscular, Black/White/asian/latino/eskimo man to stand over your body and rub those knots out of you. Carrying a baby plus a set of overweight twins (your breasts), and swollen feet will take a toil on your body in ways that you can't imagine -- so trust me, this is certainly a treat that you don't want to skip.

My recommendation: BLISS SPA at the W: Great Expectations Massage every three months

2.) A body pillow - if you sleep in anything larger than a twin size bed then you have the space for a body pillow. Around your 6 month of pregnancy, your growing tummy will make it difficult to get comfortable sleeping. And because you can only sleep in certain ways to preserve optimal blood flow to your baby, you will begin to have many sleep deprived nights. But with a body pillow, you will be able to support the four most problematic areas of your body(your back, in between your legs, under your stomach, and your neck) at one time without having to take all of the other pillows from your husband.

My recommendation: The Boppy Body Pillow

3.) Sports Bras - Trust me...Underwires and large breasts + fluid retention DO NOT mix.

My recommendation: Any sport bra made of breathable material...Stinky sweaty boobs are not cute!

4.) TUMS - Gas and Indigestion are REAL.

My recommendation: Chewables! They will begin to taste like candy after a while.

5.) Comfortable Shoes - With swollen and growing feet and increasing weight on your legs...a good pair of comfortable shoes are a must.

My recommendation: Shoes that will allow your growing feet to stretch and breath.

6.) A favorite meal to give you something to look forward to at work.

My suggestions: A chicken TBM melt from COSI (add the onions) or a melted Turkey and Cheese Sandwich on an Everything Bagel from Au Bon Pain (add the lettuce, onions, honey and dijon mustard). Plus salt and vinegar chips. Plus Lemonade and Peach Ice Tea (mixed). Plus chocolate chip cookies. Thanks.

7.) A mind distracting hobby - Writing, Reading, and Reality TV watching were my activities of choice during the work week.

8.) A scripture to rebuke the hormone devils that will surely push you close to homocide.

My recommedation: Romans 8: 28-39

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have a headache THIS BIG...in my vagina (Round Ligament Pain)

Random body change # 2,001,999: Vaginal headaches

Beginning around the 20th week of pregnancy, most pregnant women begin to experience one of the most uncomfortable pains of pregnancy - the pain that I like to refer to as "the vaginal headache". The medical term for the "vaginal headache" is "round ligament pain" and it is the result of your uterus expanding and putting pressure on the bones that support your pelvis and hips. But to me, it's more appropriately called the "vaginal headache" because similar to normal headaches - they come out of nowhere, will make your pooch throb with pain for an hour (and not in the good way), and oftentimes nothing - not Tylenol, warm compresses, or bags of frozen vegetables - will help.

Often times this pain comes after long periods on your feet and just when you find a place to sit down and relax - POOF! Here comes the vaginal headache. Other times, it comes after long periods of sitting and just when you decide to get up and stretch - POOF! The vaginal headache is back. Ironically enough - stretching does help but I have found that even when I stretch for too long -- POOF! Here comes that beyotch the vaginal headache coming back for more...

After several futile attempts to find something that would help (i.e. sitting on my yoga ball, doing the tootsie roll, and putting frozen peas on my crouch), I resorted to purchasing a "maternity belt" - an apparatus that resembles a bullet proof vest for your belly. The "maternity belt" straps across your belly in three different ways and the idea is that it will transfer weight from your pelvis more evenly across your legs. While the jury is still out of the "maternity belt" -- I think I am starting to have a bit of a placebo effect cause as soon as I complete the 5 min process it takes to strap it on, I feel ready to go to run a marathon -- or at least walk around the block...

I'll keep you posted on whether this thing is working but either way, I'm keeping my stash of Tylenol, frozen peas, and my hot water bag close by.

Going "home" to Louisiana...My In-Laws

- A quick funny story -

Little Kerry looked up at my stomach perplexed.

"What's that?" he asked pointing directly at my protruding belly button.

"It's a baby Kerry! It's your little cousin in there!" I replied excitedly.

(Kerry stares at the floor.)

"How'd da baby get in there?" He asks.

(I stare at the floor and begin to stutter nervously.)

"Well, well...that's kind of a long story. Let's just say it was magic!" I reply hoping that he'd "buy" my explanation.

(Again, Kerry stares at the floor and looks up at me with sad eyes.)

"Why...Why'd you eat da baby?" he finally asks, having concluded that his new auntie ate his little cousin in a rage of hunger.



In-laws.

These two words can invoke feelings of love, anxiety, and heartburn in anyone. How you approach your relationship with your in-laws is always a delicate matter and for anyone about to get married the only advice I can give you is BE YOUR GENUINE (INSERT ADJECTIVE) SELF from the very beginning.

I have observed that much of the stress that comes from in-law relationships comes from the tension or pressure that the new family member feels "to be ...(insert adjective)".

I explained to my husband a few days ago that if I was the biological daughter of his parents I would undoubtedly be the "Black Sheep." While his family is pretty laid back and quiet, I am fairly verbose with a slight touch of ADD (or to use my mother in-laws words when she first met me....I am a "big ball of energy"). Then when you consider my "city-girl ways", I surely wouldn't fit in under normal circumstances. My mother-in-law (who was a Sunday school teacher at the time) asked me during our first meeting why I had "gone and marked myself up" clearly disapproving of my tattoos (that is...the one tattoo that she could see - smile).

(Little did she know at the time that one of Patrick's first objectives upon moving to Chicago would be to get his first tattoo on his shoulder!)

Nevertheless, five years later my in-laws embrace me for me and love me for me and that is something that I am truly truly grateful for.

So going to visit Louisiana always feels like a trip home. Since we only get to visit once or twice a year, my father and mother in law make sure that we get our full helpings of crawfish, softshell crab, oysters, shrimp, and catfish. Needless to say, outside of seeing my family, going to Louisiana to eat is one of the things I look forward to the most.

More than that I have gained two sisters who I love, along with five nephews and two nieces. My son will have much to look forward to on his summers to Louisiana while his cousins show him how to play baseball, football, basketball, and chess.

My first superman....

If my husband is my heart, then it's fair to say that my father is my carotid artery -- as his influence in my life has had the largest impact on how I think, feel, and see the world and people around me. In my mind, my father symbolizes everything that is good, right, and wholesome in the world and no matter how hard I will ever try, I don't think that I'll ever measure up to being as good of a person as he is.

Early on in life, my father drilled two things in his kid's minds: 1) To always treat people the way that we wanted to be treated and 2) "To always put the shoe on the other foot" which was meant to be the foundation of compassion, empathy, and understanding, all virtues that he wanted us to extend to other people. In me these lessons came to fruition in various ways -- as a teen and young adult I often found myself cursing people out when I felt as if they were treating others unjustly. But as an adult, these principals continue to guide everything from the career that I pursued, to the jobs that I have taken (even the bad ones), to the friends that I choose to hold close to me.

So what makes my father SO remarkable?

My father is the type of person who literally would give his last dime, last drip of sweat, last once of energy, or last breath for his family or a friend. But this isn't what makes him remarkable...it just makes him freaking AWESOME.

What really makes him remarkable is that my father didn't become this way from the example that he saw in his father - but it was a conscious decision that he made -- to be the BEST father and person that he could be - despite the example he saw in his father.

Now don't get me wrong, from what I knew of Grandpa Johnny, he was an okay father - one who I'm sure did the best with what he had and with what he knew. Nevertheless, of the things that I do know about him, I know that my grandfather was detached, unemotional, and lacked the ability to provide an emotional and nurturing environment for my father -- which led to him moving from Mississippi when he was 19 to live with his mother.

But you would never know this by meeting my father. He has acted as a stand-in father for more friends, neighbors, and cousins than I can reasonably recall. He has co-signed for more cars for people than Donald Trump -- even when he drove a broke down, rusted Ford Aerostar.

When I was a little girl I would drive with my father in his brown Dodge RAM as he went to complete carpentry jobs. My favorite memories are of when we would turn wide corners and he would yell "Hold On Kirt!" and I would hold on to his big muscle-man arms so I wouldn't be tossed across the front of the van. Even as a much older adult, this idea of my father as my superman, the one I can hold on to when things get shaky, or rough, or uncertain has never really faded away. He always has been and always will be my superman.

After overcoming a close call with lung cancer, beating death with a traumatic brain injury, and dodging a scare with colon cancer I know that once he gets to heaven the angels will give him the nickname "Clark Kent."

Love You Daddy,

The Little One

Scared Sh*tless...

As hard as I try, my imagination will not take me past my 8th month of pregnancy. I literally can not imagine being twice my size, with swollen ankles, anxiously awaiting my water breaking. Similar to when I was "without child" -- the days leading up to my period were anxious ones, where the mere thought of my cramps were enough to make me start popping ibuprofen up to 3 days before it even came. Before you think I am a drug addict, let me assure you that I truly did have the worse cramps on this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

So when I think of labor, I truly cant wrap my mind around it. How in the Barack Hussein Obama does a vagina open wide enough to fit a d*mn head? It just doesn't seem real to me. Vagina opens. Body comes out. Who in the (bleep) thought this was a good idea? (Sorry Father)

So I tried to prep myself by watching live births on birthcenter.com. HORRIBLE IDEA! Before seeing the videos the baby = vagina phenomenon was something that plagued my imagination but now I have had a visual confirmation that it actually does happen! Whoa is me.. Whoa is me! And though these birthing films scare the beJesus out of me, like a horror movie with sequels, every day I search the web looking for more! I've seen natural births, water births, c-sections, drug-induced births, silent (Scientology) births...you name it, it's on the web. None of them seem like a fun experience.

Moreover, I don't know who is crazier -- women who want to bring their children into the world non-drugged or me. The truth is...delivering somber has never even crossed my mind. Not only will I draw a red "x" on my spine so the anesthesiologist will know where my spine is but I may have my sister Karlisa slip my some wine into the hospital and may smoke a joint before I push this baby out. Little Teddy G will come into this world very aware of effects of drugs and liquor and I am sure that he will be a better person for it.

The Pregnancy Glow, Non-Constipation, and the Wolf Pack

Pregnancy really is a miracle. Out of 28 - 31 days in a month, a woman's egg can only be fertilized during a 2-3 days window. And even if a diligent little sperm gets to the quickly dying egg, there's a 50 percent chance that the egg won't fully begin fertilization and a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage will happen before a woman even misses her first period. Then when you add on the effects of cell phone radiation, fried foods, smoking marijuana, and using laptops on the ability of a man to produce healthy sperm... it's really no wonder that any of us are having babies nowadays.

So to have a life develop inside of you is truly a miracle...nothing short of an act of God.

During my blog vacation over the past 2 weeks, I have been coming to peace with my ever changing body, my impending responsibility of motherhood, and my anxiety over managing a marriage, motherhood, my dreams, and life.

First, I have accepted my belly. It's nothing against my sweet baby boy but for months my belly represented nothing but gas, gas, and more gas. But now, it represents the home of my little Teddy Graham, who gives me a kick or a flip after I drink a nice sugary drink to tell me that he approves and would like some more. I shine my belly up every morning with Shea Butter like the wheels on a Cadillac. And even when people in the hood say, "Ey gurl, you are fine but you MUST be having twins," I just smile and keep on my way.

Second, word on the street is that I have that "pregnancy glow"! People say it all the time now! I thought it was my 100% Pure African Shea Butter but everyone swears that I am glowing and not greasy. Either way, I appreciate that people think I still look pretty even though I have plenty of days when I feel like Shrek.

Third, I am grateful for the lack of constipation. I have heard horror stories about how pregnant woman get constipation and hemorrhoids and I am glad that God has spared my thus far.

Fourth, my Wolf Pack (previously known as my va-jay-jay) has now given me a reason to go to the spa again! My husband kindly asked that I "take care of my jungle" and I told him that I couldn't see it anymore. Luckily, this was the very excuse I was looking for to go to Bliss a few more times before I pop this baby out.

So life is gracefully moving along for all of us over here. Patrick continues to play golf during his Saturdays off, Capone continues to terrorize the other kids in the building, and Teddy continues to make his mommy eat and sleep several times a day. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up buts something tells me that I am getting closer to figuring it out. I try to read my scriptures every day and as soon as I get into this prenatal yoga class - I will be actively working to maintain my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I continue to have my struggles but in those areas I try to at least strive for contentment. And everyday I tell myself two things...1) Life isn't perfect but it sure is pretty good and 2) If God is for me...who can be against me? Amen!

Heart to Heart with a MOFO/Jesus Take the Wheel (Part IV)

After much prayer and meditation, I had began to find some resolve working with MOFO. While he still isn't my favorite person, I've began to feel a great deal of pity for him because he seemed, at his core, to be clueless to the world around him. When he walked into a room, what would be apparent to the average person was oblivious to him -- due to what I suspect is an over-sized ego that has disabled him from seeing anything but his inflated perception of himself. So things at work had been manageable until a Board meeting where I realized that MOFO was out of his pure African-American mind.

As he sat around a table of 12 Board members he rammed his fist down and said, "You all do not do anything! You serve no purpose! I have to run this organization by myself!"


He continued, "I've had to beg my Program Manager [that would be me] not to quit because you all are not doing anything!"

I sat across the table from him during this 25 minute rant and tried to dream of a place far, far away.

After the meeting, I could tell that MOFO was pleased with himself and all I could think was that "this guy really doesn't get it." Moreover, a number of things about the meeting had ticked me off but I had decided to blow if off because the fact of the matter was that I didn't care that much to mention it anyway.

Sunday night, as I began to mentally prepare for work, I decided that I would have a sit down talk with MOFO because he clearly had no idea that he was an asshole. As I contemplated this talk, I felt confident that this was something that I had to do because perhaps this was the sole reason God had placed me in his path? Maybe it was I who was supposed to give MOFO a glimpse into the dungeon called his soul or at least give give him a head's up that he was making alot of enemies on his way to the "top".

On Monday morning I waited patiently for two hours for MOFO to walk in so I could ask him if we could talk. When he wasn't in the office by 11:00 am I decided to write him a letter. After a quick prayer and a glass of hot chocolate, I began to write my thoughts...

Dear ["MOFO"] –

I wanted to touch base with you about a few things from the Board meeting (and general matters) that were on my mind. These are simply my reactions and opinion for you to consider but I felt that I should at least share my perspective with you.

On Chastising the Board:

While I understand your desire to move the Board to action, I think you must reconsider your current methods. To date, I have observed you chastise the Board, individually and collectively, on several occasions and I must say that I think that is the wrong approach. At its core, you must remember you are speaking to adults and not children. A heavy handed approach will not provoke people to act, complaining will not provoke people to act, passing the blame will not provoke people to act. Essentially, I believe you have to meet people where they are (and as Marty appropriately pointed out) inspire them to act. I have some thoughts on how to readjust the working groups projects and will share them when we meet.

On the Work-plan:

During the Board meeting you emphasized that you put together the work plan “singlehandedly” by yourself. I was surprised to hear this considering I worked 3 days on it. Nevertheless, it’s something that I bring to your attention because you have done it several times in the past. While it may not be intentional, I hope that in the future you become conscious of it because for better or worse, when people give you their work product they take pride it in. This isn’t as much an issue of giving credit as it is about not miscrediting work products.

Moreover, the work plan that was reviewed by the LISC and the Board comes with parameters. Much of my frustration and hesitation in putting one together is that I did not want it to be an exercise in futility. We have set strategic goals, had the Board approve strategic goals, but in the end --- still operated in a chaotic state, picking up projects that we don’t have the capacity to implement. My hope is that the work plan that was put together will be respected and adhered to. All that should be left for “us” to do it was put a timeline and staffing needs to the actions. But if a project isn’t listed on there – it shouldn’t be picked up. I understand this may be difficult with the Alderman’s expectations of the Consortium as his campaign revs up but I think that is something that you will have to work very hard to manage. If you don’t, then I think capacity and frustration will continue to be an issue, whether it’s me that you are working with or someone else.

On begging me to stay:

I really thought it was inappropriate to discuss any misgivings I have about this job with the Board. Not only did it compromise their perception of me but in the short term it could potentially compromised their perception of the organization to effectively do its work. Moreover, any decision that I make to leave or stay with the Consortium will be because of my personal feelings and professional goals – not because of the Board. To make them think it would be because of them was a little disingenuous.

On women:

Many times you come off as chauvinistic. Many times I have seen you over talk women, disregard their opinions, and minimize their professional input. I bring this to your attention because I don’t think that you are aware of it but would be more than open to talking to you about this whenever.

So I apologize for putting all of this on you on Monday. Mondays are definitely bad enough. However, I believe that I owe it to you to be as honest as possible during the time that I am working for the Consortium. My intention is truly not to frustrate or anger but to give you some things to think about as a professional and as the person running this organization.


Kirstin


I didn't think before I pressed "send". Although I had promised my close friend Joy that I would run every confrontation email by her since 2003, I knew that I had to send the letter at that very moment. I was less worried about getting fired than I was about grammatical errors. I would hate for him to miss the points that I was trying to make because my touch of dyslexia was kicking it. Nevertheless, I sent it and just prayed that he would receive it with an open mind.

Once MOFO finally came into the office, I was on my way to a meeting downtown but was sure to tell him to check his email. Once I returned to the office he asked if we could meet to discuss the things that I had written.

After much justification for his actions, MOFO said the only part of the letter that he couldn't appreciate was the "Chauvinistic part". I told him that if there was one part of the letter that I felt that I had to write that it was the "Chauvinistic part". He looked like was going to cry and at that moment I began to feel really bad. But just when I was going to apologize for the harshness of my letter he said, "I think I understand...I think...I think I just need to be MORE of a politician."

All I could do was shake my head.

It wasn't my job to judge him -- only to give him a glimpse of how many perceived him -- but I surely wasn't going to hold my breathe for him to change either.